Andrew Baldock: "Yeah, I totally tried a British accent in blocking rehearsals, and I was really feeling it...and Mr. Bluestein liked it too! But then Mr. A said it was stupid. That's why it's not as good in the real show."
Excited Friend returning from a physical therapy session after a severe car accident: Hey man! This is so awesome! I got up out of the wheelchair today!
Andrew Baldock: Whatever assface, I've been walking since I was 3 months old.
Friend whose Chik-fil-a sandwich Andrew just spit on: Dude what the hell?
Andrew Baldock: Who cares about your sandwich?! I literally almost just died from choking! When I was in the bathroom just now, a doctor came in and pronounced me dead. You're lucky I'm still here.
"I got these navy shirts from my mom, but I didn't wear them because I know for a fact other people would get offended. Everyone can't be in the navy at this age.. But I can, I mean, look at these muscles."
-Andrew Baldock on muscle strength needed for the Navy.
"I mean, balancing a rubber ball on your nose is pretty hard, but I'm not an ordinary man. The fire breathing dragon was challenging too, but what can I say, I'm a badass."
"Hey guys, keep this on the down low, but J.K. Rowling paid me to write her books for her. Wanna know what happens in the eighth book? I'm writing it currently."
I'm currently dating Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba. Just keep it on the DL...I don't want either of them to find out. Especially Jess - she has a temper."
-Andrew Baldock on knowing/dating/cheating on hott celebrities
"you know that band Green Day?...well, the original name of the band was the Andrew Baldock Trio, I was their lead singer. I left those douchers to have a solo career, i'm considered to be a god in Switzerland. They literally worship me over there."
-Andrew Baldock on having a musical career/ being worshiped/ being good at anything...at all
"Yeah...I can pretty much control the weather. You want rain? I'll make it rain. Sunshine? I got your sunshine. So Dave Brown can suck it! There's a new weatherman in town."
-"Ok, so you went to Germantown High and graduated in 1993..." -"No, Andrew, he went to White Station." -"Hush. I'm rewriting his history!" Andrew Baldock on Mr. Beasley
One time, my doctor wasn't there to inject the steroid needle into my butt. So this ridiculously ripped black male nurse came in. But I took it. Like the man those steroids were turning me into. I pretty much rock.
Andrew Baldock: Dude! I just watched the President's State of the Union address...he said some incredible things.
Patron of the Site: Oh really? Like what?
Andrew: He said, "I love checkin' out hot chicks with my bros...I just wake up in the morning and walk outside, shirtless of course, and check out chicks till ma boys bring over some wine coolers."
Patron: Andrew, are you sure you were watching the President?
Andrew: It was either that or Jersey Shore. I've been drinking apple-tinis since sunrise.
" You know who was the best to play Yugio with as little kids? Mentally retarded kids. I just tell them the lower stars means its better, and they give me really good trades. Man, I'm such a hoss."
"What is on my mind? Huh. Lots of things- a mess of things really. You are on a part of it for sure though. Actually you are on most of it. The mess is just on a few pieces."
Andrew: I'm not saying my birthday is more important, but just look at the record books: Who has a job? Who's going to ASU? Who didn't get crucified? This guy!
Remy's house always smells like fried fish.....ok well I just made that up
ReplyDeleteAndrew: I'm telling you guys, only about 10% of high school relationships end up working out.
ReplyDeleteFriends being lied to: You just made up that statistic on the spot, didn't you?
Andrew: Okay 5%.
Disgruntled Friend: Stop lying Andrew.
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: I never lie.
Andrew Baldock: "Yeah, I totally tried a British accent in blocking rehearsals, and I was really feeling it...and Mr. Bluestein liked it too! But then Mr. A said it was stupid. That's why it's not as good in the real show."
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: You guys realize that if I burped and farted and the same time my body would literally deflate.
ReplyDelete(On Brady Quinn)
ReplyDeleteFriend: He was a champion.
Andrew Baldock: Yea, he was a champion, and now he has heart attacks, like everyday
"Yeah, I pretty much got promoted from midshipman to admiral in one day."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on the Navy
Friend: Abraham Lincoln was an awesome president. He really did a lot for our country.
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Yeah, he was a good president, but now he's dead. Serves him right for freeing the monkeys. Go Wilkes Booth!
Friend: My grandma died last week. It's pretty amazing though, she lived until 98 before the cancer got her.
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Oh yeah, well my great aunt is 115, and she's still kickin'!
(Friend begins crying)
"I know for a fact that Tom Hanks doesn't like french toast."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on knowing Tom Hanks personally
Excited Friend returning from a physical therapy session after a severe car accident: Hey man! This is so awesome! I got up out of the wheelchair today!
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Whatever assface, I've been walking since I was 3 months old.
Lance Armstrong on overcoming cancer and winning the Tour de France: I'm just so blessed to still be here and be able to do what I love.
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Oh yeah! Well stick your hands in your pants and then tell me how much of a man you are! I have TWO testicles bitch! HAHAH!
Lance: Okay...(begins crying)
Friend: Harriet Tubman was such a wonderful woman. I really respect what she did.
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Oh, give me a break. Her railroad wasn't even really underground. Talk about overrated.
"I mean, I walked on the moon in 1910, but good job Neil."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on U.S. Space Achievements
Friend: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: The chicken. I was there.
Andrew Baldock: You REALLY don't want to piss me off.
ReplyDeleteRemy Terle: Why not?
Andrew Baldock: Because I'll beat the shit out of you...okay, I won't, but still...
Friend whose Chik-fil-a sandwich Andrew just spit on: Dude what the hell?
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Who cares about your sandwich?! I literally almost just died from choking! When I was in the bathroom just now, a doctor came in and pronounced me dead. You're lucky I'm still here.
Friend: Andrew, you're lying...
Hahahahahaahahahahah! I am obsessed! Andrew Baldock. You are a LIER. one and done, son.
ReplyDelete"I never lie" Andrew Baldock
ReplyDelete"I got these navy shirts from my mom, but I didn't wear them because I know for a fact other people would get offended. Everyone can't be in the navy at this age.. But I can, I mean, look at these muscles."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on muscle strength needed for the Navy.
"I mean, balancing a rubber ball on your nose is pretty hard, but I'm not an ordinary man. The fire breathing dragon was challenging too, but what can I say, I'm a badass."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on Navy training exercises
"I'm Rishi Malhotra."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on denying the existence of Rishi Malhotra
"I mean, the size of my biceps sometimes gets in the way of day-to-day activities. It's both a blessing and a curse."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on working out
"John Lennon and George Harrison are two of my most common aliases."
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on his musical genius
"The Black Death? That was me."
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on biological genocide
"Sometimes the simplest jokes are the best jokes. I know how to be funny."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock, blatantly lying
"I mean, Martin Scorsese is my dad, so..."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on filmmaking
"I didnt say any of these"
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on AndrewBaldockLies.com
Friend playing a video game: Oh my god! They're retaliating!
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Yea, well that's what Nero said... He certainly took care of that.
"Ok look you guys, I really don't lie. I even won 'Most Likely to Never Lie' as my senior superlative."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on not having yet graduated
"Hey guys, keep this on the down low, but J.K. Rowling paid me to write her books for her. Wanna know what happens in the eighth book? I'm writing it currently."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on the truth behind the magic
Hahahahahaah the senior superlative one is awesome! and oh my goshhhh haahha the truth behind the magic! wow.
ReplyDelete"I'm currently dating Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba simultaneously. Just don't tell either of them...especially Jess. She has a temper."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on knowing/dating/cheating on hott celebrities
Andrew's mom on Fourth of July after returning from the grocery store: Where's the watermelon?
ReplyDeleteAndrew: That bagger probably took it along with our chitlins and went for the hills...
I'm currently dating Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba. Just keep it on the DL...I don't want either of them to find out. Especially Jess - she has a temper."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on knowing/dating/cheating on hott celebrities
"David didn't fight Goliath. He fought me. And I crushed that little S.O.B."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on the Bible
"I'm such a good cook. One time, I put a raw turkey in the microwave and it came out juicy and golden brown. Happy Thanksgiving."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on cooking
"you know that band Green Day?...well, the original name of the band was the Andrew Baldock Trio, I was their lead singer. I left those douchers to have a solo career, i'm considered to be a god in Switzerland. They literally worship me over there."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on having a musical career/ being worshiped/ being good at anything...at all
"Yeah...I can pretty much control the weather. You want rain? I'll make it rain. Sunshine? I got your sunshine. So Dave Brown can suck it! There's a new weatherman in town."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on being a meteorologist
Andrew Baldock: My grandma was freakin' hot!
ReplyDelete.....
"It was Me, in the library, with my own feces!"
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on the board game "Clue"
Yess
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock: Dude I'm so glad we get our own cell phone numbers on the business cards. Now I can pass mine out to chicks.
ReplyDelete"I could've torn your shoulder off...I just chose not to"
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on being a badass
-"Ok, so you went to Germantown High and graduated in 1993..."
ReplyDelete-"No, Andrew, he went to White Station."
-"Hush. I'm rewriting his history!"
Andrew Baldock on Mr. Beasley
Here's my admit slip, Mr. Thomas. I wasn't feeling well yesterday.
ReplyDelete"Can I go to the bathroom real quick? I'm having a nosebleed issue."
ReplyDelete"I'm not even going to lie to you. I hit a moose one time and it took off the top of my car. My dad was pissed."
ReplyDelete"My eyes change colors. Like, if I'm wearing a yellow shirt my eyes are yellow."
ReplyDeleteI'm straight.
ReplyDeleteI have rehearsal today. I'll never finish this history packet.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to brag, but I've been told my penis length is above average.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I took steroids. So what? They were "herbal." That means they're okay. My nipples got saggy for a while, but whatever.
ReplyDeleteOne time, my doctor wasn't there to inject the steroid needle into my butt. So this ridiculously ripped black male nurse came in. But I took it. Like the man those steroids were turning me into. I pretty much rock.
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on Steroid Treatment
Some people tell me that I'm too toned for my own good. When I go to the gym, people literally pass out.
ReplyDeleteDude, I posted this status about 3 hours ago b4 anyone else. Some app I tried to do on here changed my status so I just changed it back
ReplyDelete-Andrew on predicting weather for SCS
Andrew Baldock to Jewish Friend:
ReplyDeleteIt's okay, my grandfather died in the holocaust, too. He fell off the guard tower.
I know a lot about history and that's why I talk so much in HOA.
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on why he spouts so much B.S. or basically repeats what the teacher says in history
Andrew Baldock: Dude! I just watched the President's State of the Union address...he said some incredible things.
ReplyDeletePatron of the Site: Oh really? Like what?
Andrew: He said, "I love checkin' out hot chicks with my bros...I just wake up in the morning and walk outside, shirtless of course, and check out chicks till ma boys bring over some wine coolers."
Patron: Andrew, are you sure you were watching the President?
Andrew: It was either that or Jersey Shore. I've been drinking apple-tinis since sunrise.
Patron: Wow, you suck
"Gas station glory hole. Not as bad as it sounds."
ReplyDelete"Oh hey. I'm just rubbing my naval."
ReplyDelete"I always find myself walking down the street thinking, 'Oh, yeah, I would totally bang that chick.'"
ReplyDelete"You know that hit song Billie Jean? Well guess what, I am that kid. And Michael Jackson was my dad.I guess you could say I am the prince of pop."
ReplyDelete" I've literally eaten one meal a day for the past two year."
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock throws a pen at his dear friend.
ReplyDeletePen misses
Friend: "Dude, why'd you try to throw that pen at my face?"
Andrew Baldock: " I didn't try to throw that pen at your face. If I had, it would have hit and most likely torn your face off."
" You know who was the best to play Yugio with as little kids? Mentally retarded kids. I just tell them the lower stars means its better, and they give me really good trades. Man, I'm such a hoss."
ReplyDelete"I'm not racist. I love black people. That's why I always say hey to them when I go to McDonald's."
ReplyDelete" ...Here, take this clean syringe."
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on enabling drug users
" You are honestly acting like the Iranian government right now. Opressing me and stuff? I freakin' hate you!"
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on the legitimacy of his friendships
"I didn't know thats what you wanted."
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on not doing any work. Ever.
Andrew - "Dude, she's like honestly my favorite person ever."
ReplyDeleteCollin -"Didn't you just learn of her two days ago?"
Andrew - "Yea, but I'm in love. You wouldn't understand..."
Andrew Baldock on his crush
"I swear I don't masturbate"
ReplyDelete- Andrew Baldock
Andrew - "Ok, it's official. Im predicting that the rapture will happen on May 21st."
ReplyDeleteFriend - "Andrew, the 21st was 2 days ago and nothing happened."
Andrew - "No freakin way! I don't even believe you right now!"
Friend - "Oh my god, you're so dumb."
"You're gorgeous"
ReplyDelete"yeah! I'll totally call you later!"
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on being his douche-bag self.
"I care about Taylor Williams."
ReplyDelete"The comment above is fake."
ReplyDelete"What is on my mind? Huh. Lots of things- a mess of things really. You are on a part of it for sure though. Actually you are on most of it. The mess is just on a few pieces."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on Facebook Statuses
Andrew- "And the week rolls on. Take it by storm."
ReplyDelete10 hours later
Andrew- "haha definitely did not take today by storm. i failed at my own motivation"
-Andrew Baldock on failing at life
"I am not ashamed to say I knew the dance at one time as well as the whole song. Ohhh NSYNC. You take me back."
ReplyDelete"There's nothing a tub of chocolate cookie dough ice cream can't fix."
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on Obesity
"Who has two thumbs and loves porn? This guy!"
ReplyDelete-Andrew Baldock on Too Much Information
Dallen: All girls are unhappy.
ReplyDeleteAndrew: Yeah, pretty much, unless they're dating Andy B.
I love putting up inspiring quotes....It's better than posting like "I just had the best sandwich" or something.
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on inspiring others to succeed (via Facebook statuses)
Andrew: I'm not saying my birthday is more important, but just look at the record books: Who has a job? Who's going to ASU? Who didn't get crucified? This guy!
ReplyDeleteAndrew Baldock on the importance of Christmas.
CONNOR LOHSE SAYS SHITTY, IMMORAL THINGS
ReplyDeletePotentially its own blogspot, but I'm debuting a couple here to see how it's received. Enjoy.
(After living in a Chicago apartment for one day with the water shut off) This place is worse than Africa.
(In reference to the fact that child soldiers do not have to face the pressures of later life decisions) They get the easy way out.